Oi! Reeda! Guzookial speekin:
dis is da letta oi smuggeld out ov da detenshun centa where dat smartarse loiya Smallear is keeping Whoitearlobe.
My dear Clarissa Smallear,
You have kept me in detention for over a week now and I have done my best to comply with your wishes and demands. However, as you must surely understand by now, freedom of speech is not only protected by the Constitution – it is in fact a Universal Law and I have no control over Guzookial and would never attempt to silence him with our puny terrestrial laws. He is a Law unto himself and he takes the law into his own hands…or hooves, so to speak. Can we please look at an alternate measure? I know you are absolutely professional and thorough in your risk assessments, risk aversion and risk diversion and that your heart is in the right place. I do understand you are just trying to protect me and my beloved readers from…what I’m not 100% certain. I’ll give you that ring you’ve wanted since we were children if you let me out of here.
Your ever humble friend and dedicated Shaman (and I forgive you already for your harshness and your cruel, discrediting quotation marks)